When I was pregnant with Mac, I was antsy to go into labor because I was hot and huge and sweaty and sore, but I never had any concerns about trying to work labor and delivery into my life. Since I was laid off early in my pregnancy, there was no maternity leave to coordinate and no other schedules to take into consideration. And since there was only me, there was no toddler to worry about taking care of.

This time I’ve felt a fair amount of anxiety over WHEN I’m going to go into labor. The plan of me being induced a week before my due date has been tossed around quite a bit since I am so big, but also because of my size there’s the very real chance I could go even before that date. The not knowing is killing me this time. Now it’s not just the impatience and the excitement over meeting my new child, but it’s also the nervousness about throwing so many other lives out of whack if I go into labor unexpectedly.

I want my body to be able to do what it wants to do. I know that’ll give me the best chance at same labor experience I had with Mac. But it’s so hard to just sit and wait and hope that my body and I are on the same schedule.

My need for control is much greater this time, and I’m definitely struggling with how to just let go and be zen about the whole thing.